1.6.1 This Journal Is... R.D.

This Journal is a great idea.  It feels great to be writing again - and even better because I am not putting deadlines on myself.  This is truly a healthy exercise for me - as much as walking or lifting weights.  This Journal helps put my mind at ease, and I actually take pride in what I am accomplishing every time I open up the Journal to write.  I am also proud of myself for forging through, even when there were prompts I wanted to skip (also kudos to Anna for telling me I wasn't allowed to).  This Journal makes me happy - even if I am writing about things I wouldn't normally be writing about.  This Journal is better than a diary because I get to put my feelings out there and I don't have to be worried or ashamed if someone gets their hands on it.  This Journal is also flashy, which is good in the sense that it is a beacon to remind me about the blog and the challenge (so kudos to Victoria for choosing it).  This Journal is an important part of my break up, because it gives me something to do when I am alone in the apartment - which is pretty often.  This Journal is a God send.  When I'm in a bad mood, it gives me something else to focus on and put my energy into.  This Journal may be falling apart by the time I finish this challenge - but I think that just means it served its purpose and was well loved.  This Journal is an excellent alternative to watching a shit ton of TV on Netflix.  This Journal is also a procrastination took for slow days at work (and for keeping me from calling about the warranty on my TV because of it's wonky sound).  This Journal is wonderful.

1.5 Music Response R.D.

Sun on Sunday - James Blunt

Thoughts while listening to the song for the first time:
Taking advantage of a weak woman and regretting the decision.  Falling in love but afraid to admit it.  Woman not expressing herself and guy not noticing.  Someone committing suicide because no one noticed the depression.  Taking the guilt and responsibility.  Now the girl wants to be left alone and the guy wants to fix or help her.

Responding to each verse individually:
1.  A girl is wounded emotionally and seeks refuge in an old friend who sees this is an opportunity to be intimate.  The girl gives in because she wants him around even though she was only seeking friendship.
2.  Guy realizes he went too far and wants to apologize but she won't hear it and he is begging for forgiveness and friendship back.
3.  Again talking about how he failed to see the real problem and reason she needed him and only realizes it once it's too late.
4.  (Same as 2)
5.  Realizes he's no better than the person who hurt her originally, but wants to prove to her that she is super important to him even if she never fully forgives him.
6.  (Same as 2 and 4)

1.4 Quotations (5) R.D.

“I've learned ... that people you aren't related to can take care of you, and love you, and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't biological." -Kathy Jane Hansen.

 

This is actually an excerpt from a very wonderful poem called “I’ve Learned” by Kathy Jane Hansen.  This line sticks out to me (there are a few others as well), because while my family is close, I have never felt that my family ties were the closest relationships I had.  When I was younger, I always felt guilty when I allowed myself to feel closer to non-family members than I was with family members.  As I grew up, this quote was there to remind me that, sometimes, families can be cold and cruel and you can’t always rely on them.  It’s also nice to have some positive reinforcement that not all relationships you invest time in are going to fall apart.

"—Even losing you ... It's evident the art of losing's not too hard to master"  -Elizabeth Bishop

 

Again, this is an excerpt from one of my favorite poems, “One Art” by Elizabeth Bishop.  This entire poem meant a lot to me when I discovered it after watching “In Her Shoes”, but it affects me even more now that I have lost a family member.  When my dad passed away, a lot of people asked me how I could stay so composed, and how I could keep from falling apart, and this poem – this line – ran through my head every time.  Loss is a part of life, and that doesn’t mean that you don’t get hurt or feel bad, but it does mean that loss is something you can overcome, and that was very important for me to hold onto while I let other people fall apart around me.

 

“... if enough people looked at you, you'd never need anybody's attention ever again. That if someday you were caught, exposed and revealed enough, then you'd never be able to hide again. There'd be no difference between your public and your private lives.” – “Choke” Chuck Palahniuk

 

This line struck a cord with me when I read the book “Choke”.  The idea that we are all striving to be noticed by other people – especially me.  Also, I am an open book.  Most of the things people heard about me in high school weren’t  “rumors” because they were true.  I always kind of felt that (in most situations) being honest was the best policy, even when other people didn’t see it that way.  But being able to walk through life without the burden of secrets or lies on your shoulders is very freeing.  I’m not going to say that I am always 100% honest – especially when lying can get me out of trouble – but for the most part, I will tell anyone anything they want to know about me, and this quote, (and this book), is a big part of why.

Cory: All I know is that we belong together. I mean, I have always been able to talk to you, and to make you laugh. And I have always, always wanted to take care of you.
Topanga: So that's what "I love you" means?
Cory: Yeah
-Boy Meets World

 

Honestly, this entire post could have been quotes from “Boy Meets World” because there is a gem of knowledge to be found in every single episode of all seven seasons.  But, this one has always kind of stuck with me because I was never very clear in my definition of love.  I don’t really believe in “soul mates” or “love at first sight”, and my parents’ relationship was much more like a business arrangement than a loving relationship.  But this definition of love is so clear, and so honest, and so attainable, I like to think of this being the most accurate description of such a complex emotion and state of being.  I feel loving someone is wanting the best for them and wanting them to be happy – regardless of all other things.

"This is why writers rarely make it far in love; we spend our time having sex with words, remembering moments better as we wrote them than we do as we lived them. We are inspired to write out of bitterness and neglect, motivated by self-loathing and an unforgiving ego.  We never worked well in comfort. Writers live better as they suffer.  Even still, I wish you were here."  -"Bad Poetry"

 

This is the ending stanza of a poem entitled “Bad Poetry” I found on DeviantArt a long time ago.  I feel this is one of the truest statements about writers, or nostalgic people in general.  While I am also guilty of living my life through writing more than through living, I do recognize that the best way to get through life is to really taste, touch, and experience life – you can always write later.  It’s a shame to think of the things I could have accomplished or just Done, had I not spent so much time in my head writing out a poem or a script of the moments going on.  Not to mention the time I could have saved by asking people what they meant instead of formulating all the possible hidden meaning or innuendos.

 

1.3 Inspiration from Public Places R.D.

Charter Oaks

When I see the word Charter, I think of Charter Buses, the nice buses we used to take on long trips in school.  So Charter Oaks always makes me think of really nice and important trees.  Which I guess makes my apartment complex a nice place to live.

 

Lippincott

Lippincott always makes me think of my grandma, because there is a Lippincott Road near her house, and it is the most creatively named road on the way there.

 

Irish Road

I always wonder how many Irish people used to live on this road at one point for it to be named this.

 

Interstate 69

I always think something dirty.  I blame high school.

 

Saginaw Street

I always remember when my mom told me that roads that are named after cities are named that because if you follow it long enough it will take you to that city.  I have since learned this is not always true – so I always feel very untrusting of this road.

 

Church Street

I always think of the church I pass while on this road and it’s very strange crosses that – if you didn’t know it was a church – you wouldn’t realize these were crosses at all.

 

3^rd Street

Third street feels like my second home because I spend so much time here.  I feel it should be called 1^st street just for me!

 

Grand Traverse Ave

To Traverse is to travel.  So I always think of a Grand Travel when I think of this road.  Even though I know this road can take you to some sketchy parts of town, so it is not a travel I ever intend on taking.

Quotation 1.4.3

“Freewriting is about taking your writing to that loose, languid place where anything goes. It’s the nudist camp for words where your writing self goes to let it all hang out.” – Barbara DeMarco-Barrett, Pen on Fire

BONUS ACTIVITIES

BONUS ACTIVITIES

I found these in Pen on Fire by Barbara DeMarco-Barrett, which is a good read so far, if you’re interested.

Bonus #1

Imagine how you’d like your life to be, 6 months, a year, 5 years from now. Focus on the dream, and envision your future the way you’d like to live it. Are you a full time writer? Describe your work, your writing studio, how you spend your days, what you will write. Don’t skimp on the details.

Bonus #2

Write a letter to yourself about your plans and projects and dreams as a writer. Outline your ultimate goal. Share your most extravagant dream. Encourage yourself to accomplish these things.

Potential Character Names 1.1.7

Potential Character Names 1.1.7

Erin

Tucker

Lorraine

Lucille

Tommy

Anna

Robert

Clara

Morgan

Andrew (Drew)

Calliope

Arizona

George/Georgia

Rose

Corinne

Michael

James

Anthony

Seth

Owen

Shawn

Caleb

Roger

Carl

Henry (Hank)

Quotation 1.4.2

“And who could have asked for better teachers: generous, uncritical, blessed with wisdom and genius, as endlessly forgiving as only the dead can be?” – Francine Prose, Reading Like a Writer

Titles of Things I’m Never Going to Write 1.1.14

Yellow Submarine (I hate yellow)

Fried Green Tomatoes (No food names, that’s weird)

A Night to Remember (lame)

Fever of Passion (smut)

Eden’s Garden (smutty with puns)

A Happy Ending (also lame)

The Mudge Family Experience (No. Just no.)

A Perfectly Sane Life (Because that’s boring)

A Dog’s Tail/Tale (EXTRA lame)

Evan, and Other Things that are NOT Pumpkins (because I don’t want to bastardize a sweet memory from when he was little)

Jihad (too violent)

Great IPA’s, According to Jessica (because IPA’s are gross)

Computers for Dummies (let’s face it, I’m not the most tech savvy person, and possibly one of the least…)

The Guard Llama (ok, I might write this one)

Freewrite 1.6.2

My mother used to have…

          this dress. This black lace dress. I remember she had it made for her when we lived in a country where the clothes didn’t fit and where she didn’t fit the cultural standards of beauty. But my mother was beautiful when she was younger. Is sometimes still beautiful now, if you catch her in the right mood, or the right light, or at the right angle. I digress.

The dress had capped sleeves and a high neck that came up as a collar of lace, leaving a keyhole below her throat, over her breast bone. It was fitted through the bodice, around her curves, and the skirt didn’t flare, but floated gracefully to the floor. It was her dress for the military ball that year, the first one she had ever attended, although my father had already served nearly four years by that time. I suppose that an evening of finery and dancing seems foreign to a young mother with two small children.

I still have a photograph of the two of them at the ball, in front of a massive Christmas tree. My father looking impressive in his crisp Class A’s, and my mother beaming on his arm in her one of a kind, romantic whisper of a black lace dress.

Quotation 1.4.1

“These days I wonder why we’re holding back on bliss. You blaspheme everything you see, I just want to give you a kiss.” - Third Eye Blind, Can You Take Me

This caught my attention because it implies that the individual holds themselves back from experiencing happiness. Why would someone not what to be happy? So the remain miserable by choice in order to get attention? Why would one want to be pitied?

I also thought that it was an interesting longing, to want to kiss someone who blasphemes everything, presumably even love. I think it also hints that they desire someone who is completely different from themselves, or someone who openly expresses things that the speaker keeps hidden and barely acknowledges to themselves.

Inspiration from Public Places 1.3

Forsythe puts me in mind of an old fashioned farmer cutting hay or crops with a scythe. It reminds me of a time when things were simpler and more labor intensive. I suppose this makes it an appropriate name for a middle school.

Wines makes me think first of growing grapes, and second of having a party.

Halle makes me think of Catwoman, as played by Halle Berry. The slinky,feline way she moved and the fabulous jewelry she liked to steal.

(Forsythe Middle School, Wines Elementary School, Halle Library)

What is Inside My Body 1.2.6

Juvenilia

Energy

Sass

Silliness

Impatience

Carriwitchits

Amour

Anxiety

Nerves

Needs

Moods

Unusual thoughts

Dogma

Germs

Edge

Things I Have Forgotten 1.2.4

Trigonometry

How to speak my mind

Spanish verb conjugations

How to pray

Getting up for church on Sunday

Why I ever wanted anyone else

Why I slept around

Everyday cooking

How to run

How to clean a shotgun

How to field dress a deer

How to push myself

Signs of Winter 1.2.2

Frost

Layers

Pale faded colors

Blinding white

Biting winds

Window scraping

Sleds

Snowmen

Christmas trees

Going into Hyperspace

Crunchy footsteps

Movies

Hats, scarves, and gloves

Parties

Happy Birthday!

Naked trees

Things on Which I Am an Expert 1.2.1

Grammar

APA formatting

Bullshitting papers up to 5 pages in length and still getting A’s

Crochet

Disturbing my mother

Annoying my brother

Fellatio

Making the bed

Organizing a kitchen

Microwave cooking

Getting good grades without studying

The Harry Potter series

The Ender’s Game series

Lutheranism

Singing

1.2.9 Taking Apart Your List R.D.

Instructions:  Pick a word from one of your lists and write a paragraph about it.  Write a line for every other item on the list.

From:  What Is Inside My Body

Amnesty:  I chose to include amnesty in my list because I feel a lot of people give me pardon.  My mom gives me pardon because my dad died.  My boss gives me pardon because of how hardworking I am.  My friends give me pardon because I just got out of a bad three-year relationship.  While I may not feel such pardons are necessary, I can't deny how much I appreciate the, so I had to give them mention.

I carry many secrets inside of me because some people can't know, or can't handle, the truth.

I feel I often exude madness and no one has yet to tell me otherwise.

I suffer from many forms of anxiety.

I often experience nausea in the morning.

I have many theories on how to change and/or make the world a better place.

I hold onto hope that people are inherently good and things will get better.

While buried, I do hold hold ambition inside of me.

I carry the idea of death with me because I deal with the pain of having lost daily.

I have some abandonment issues.

I aim to break out of my shell and act recklessly sometimes.

I am ultimately a lazy person.

I hope the thing my friends love about me is my eccentricity.

Despite my maturity I know I am still pretty naive.

I value the importance of education.

I feel I have high levels of perception and am a good judge of character.

I am female, therefore I have embryos.

I do have a short temper sometimes.

I have endurance enough to power through when I need to.

I spend many hours in reverie.

I always carry a song in my mind, in my heart, and in my soul.

1.2.8 Things to Make Lists Of R.D.

• To Done list
• Chores list
• To Buy Eventually list
• I Want list
• Christmas Wish list
• Birthday Wish list
• Homework Assignments Due list
• When Tests Are list
• What to Name Your Baby list
• What Not to Name Your Baby list
• Books to Read list
• Movies to Watch list
• Songs to Listen to list
• Groceries list
• Little Black List of Experiences
• What's Playing at the Theater Now list
• Pro/Con Lists Regarding Life Choices
• Jobs to Apply For list
• Who to Send Christmas Cards to list
• People Who Have Died list
• Bucket list
• School Supplies list
• List of People to Contact as References
• What Classes You Are Going to Take Next Quarter list
• What to Buy Other People for Christmas/Birthday list
• Good Restaurants list
• Bad Restaurants list
• Who Matters Most to You list
• What Matters Most to You list
• Who You Dislike list
• Which Foods Are Bad For You list
• When Bills Are Due and How Much list
• List of Debts Owed
• What People Owe You list
• Books You Have Read list
• Places You've Been list
• Food You've Tried but Should Never Eat Again list
• Who do You See as Heroic list
• Who Inspires You list
• Lists of Quotes That Matter to You list
• Projects You Want to Start/Finish list
• Things You Want to Change/Improve list

1.1.7 What to Take on a Journey R.D.

• Food
• Water
• Cell phone
• Laptop
• Hat
• Sunscreen
• Bugspray
• Camera
• Notebooks
• Pens/pencils
• Tennis shoes
• Sandals
• Bathing suit
• Towels
• Jacket
• Winter coat
• Blanket
• Kindling
• Flint & steel
• Salt
• Soaps and shampoos
• Travel books
• Friend(s)
• Someone who knows how to drive a boat/plane
• Extra underwear
• Multiple outfits
• Hair ties
• Knives/swords
• Fishing equipment
• Backpack
• Fanny pack
• Walking stick
• Books (pleasure reading)
• Trail markers
• Compass / GPS system
• Water fliter
• Sunglasses
• Extra socks
• Flares
• Gun and bullets
• Food seeds for planting
• Extra phone batteries
• Plastic baggies
• Rope

1.1.6 What is Inside my Body R.D.

• Secrets
• Amnesty
• Madness
• Anxiety
• Nausea
• Theories
• Hope
• Ambition
• Death
• Abandonment
• Recklessness
• Laziness
• Eccentricity
• Naivete
• Education
• Perception
• Embryo(s)
• Temper
• Endurance
• Reverie
• Song

1.1.5 Things I Have Lost R.D.

• Keys
• Love / Lovers
• Friendship / Friends
• Ambition
• Pens
• Virginity
• Writings
• Inspiration
• My Father
• My Psuedo-Grandfather
• My Paternal Grandfather
• Sense of self
• Money
• Socks
• Silverware
• Tupperware / Tupperware Lids
• Cars
• Pets
• Relationship with my:  Sister, Uncle, Aunt, Grandma
• People's respect
• Toys from childhood
• Paperwork
• Bottles of soda
• Favorite restaurants (Wiseguy's Pizza & Chumley's Pizza)
• CDs and DVDs
• Books
• Board game pieces
• Child
• Remote Controllers (for TV / VCR / DVD)
• Strength (literal)
• Jewerly
• My Mind (at times)
• Goals
• Innocence / Naivete 
• Thoughts / Memories
• Spirituality
• Respect for Others
• Skills

1.2 What is Inside of my Body by Anna Rae

• Cautiousness
• Anger
• Regret
• Ovaries
• Love
• Eagerness
• Resentment
• Ambition
• Excitement
• Self-hatred
• Zeal for bettering myself
• Yesterdays pains
• Memories
• A rational mind
• Negativity
• Self-control
• Kindness
• Imagination

1.2.4 Things I Have Forgotten R.D.

• How to make myself get up early
• How to have a morning routine
• How to dress well / how to buy clothes
• How to keep from taking naps
• The pride you get from hard work
• The cologne my dad used when we went out
• How to express my feelings
• How to be happy more often than not
• Things to do for fun
• Why I stopped being friends with some people
• Why I broke off certain relationships
• How to budget my money
• How to make a good phone call
• My first tweet
• The first person I subscribed to on YouTube
• Where my first sleepover was
• What my Uncle and I used to talk about
• How to weld
• How to use a tape measure (besides measuring inches)
• Why Goosebumps were so scary
• Why I loved horses so much
• The things we talked about until 2am

1.2 Things I've Lost

• My sanity
• My love of humanity
• The Ace Gang
• Other friends
• Family members
• Bobby pins
• Brushes
• Roller-coaster Tycoon Game
• Keys
• Phone
• Wallet
• Money at the Casino
• Weight
• Pens and Pencil
• Clothes
• My car in the parking lot
• My cat
• Many a fish
• A turtle (he actually ran away once)
• My birds
• Leopold (once in my living room)
• Myself in Flint
• Myself in Port Huron
• Myself in Ann Arbor
• Myself in Detroit
• Debit card

1.2 Things I've Forgotten by Anna Rae

• 90% of the elements on the periodic table
• 90% of the French language
• My phone
• My keys
• My mp3 player
• Many a brush
• Many a pencil/pen
• The Ace Gang
• The gross taste of my first kiss
• My wallet
• Where I parked
• Cash
• IOUs
• Birthdays
• Anniversaries
• Many specific details of my time in the hospital
• The taste of onions
• My passwords
• Toothbrushes
• Extra underwear
• My lunch
• Names

1.1.3 This Person Has Said to Me R.D.

• "You're a pretty tough girl."
• "Of course I'll wait for you."
• "I like when you call me 'Mister'."
• "I'm thinking about you, of course."
• "Is it time for your carriage to turn into a pumpkin?"
• "Who are you saying am I tonight?"
• "Take care."
• "We should meet for coffee."
• "You should come over."
• "We'll see how it goes."
• "I could be in a serious relationship with you."
• "I want to feel you."
• "I want you to grab onto me because you're scared, but you know I'll protect you."
• "I'll try to come see you."
• "I've been busy."

But, really, it was the things he didn't say.

1.1.2 Signs of Winter R.D.

• Cold nights
• Still water
• Leafless trees
• Scarves, boots
• Bright colored hair
• Snow, ice
• Christmas music, Christmas commercials
• End of the year sales
• Busy cities
• Empty streets at night
• Road rage, cautious driving
• Car accidents
• High energy bills
• Salt trucks, salt plows
• Empty fields
• Quiet houses
• Snow shovels against houses
• Big blankets on couches
• Lit fireplaces
• Stressed people
• Salvation Army bell ringers
• Snowmen, snow piles
• Snow days
• Groups of people on tops of hills
• Frost on cars
• People sitting in their cars waiting for heat
• UPS trucks, UPS packages
• Lost mittens

1.2 This Person Has Said to Me by Anna Rae

I decided to share a list of things people say to me and what I want to say, but can't really say out-loud without sounding like a bitch or coincided:

-"You look tired."
I am...thanks for pointing it out.

-"You look like crap!"
Errrr thanks? I love it when you say that.

-"You're not fat, shut up!"
Fuck you, don't you lie to me. I've accepted my fatness, so shut up.

-"Why are you in such a good mood this early?"
Because if I'm not, I'd get fired.

-"Drive careful."
NO! I'm going to speed and eat and text and not use my blinker!

-"Geez, you're such a sweetie."
I suppose....

-"You look like you've lost weight."
I probably didn't and stop sucking up to me.
or
Awwwwwe, I'm glad someone noticed.

-"Try to be a little more professional."
FUCK YOU! I'm more professional then you ever will be. I'm probably the most professional person here.

-"Can I have your number?"
HEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLZ no.

1.2 Signs of Winter by Anna Rae

• A chill you get when you awaken.
• The need to turn on the heat.
• The desire for hot chocolate with whip cream.
• The desire of peppermint.
• Heavy and warm clothes.
• The grabbing of your boots.
• Stepping out and your breath cuts short.
• Inhaling ice cold air.
• Exhaling what seems like smoke.
• Looking up at the low, heavy, and grey clouds.
• Digging your hands into your pockets.
• Thanksgiving decorations are gone.
• Red, green, and white stream the houses.
• Fat men in red and white seem to have invaded.
• Penguins and snowman are assisting the fat men.
• Everyone around you is wearing heavy coats and some are wearing boots.

Winter...

Winter...is here. 

1.2 Things On Which I'm an Expert by Anna Rae

• Sarcasm
• Matching colors
• Baking cookies
• Baking cake
• Baking cupcakes
• Putting my hair up in a cool bun
• Word searches
• Painting my left hand's nails
• Painting others finger and toe nails
• 18th and 19th century
• Antique shopping
• Saving up money for something I want
• Budgeting
• Being shy and awkward
• Being a klutz
• Getting lost while driving
• Making someone laugh
• Running a shift at Tim Hortons
• Pleasing people/costumers
• Doing a midnight shift at Tim Hortons
• Wrestling/play fighting
• Fitting into small areas like a fat, ninja cat
• Dodging kisses
• Making a mess on my face while eating (thus why I keep an abundance of napkins on me)
• The TV show, LOST
• The Tudor's history
• The Tudors, the show
• Taking nature pictures
• Making dogs and some cats like me
• Analyzing books
• Staying awake through a movie
• Understanding accents

1.2.1 List of Things I am an Expert In R.D.

• Convincing others to not do important things
• Half-assing a job
• Playing The Sims
• Memorizing lines from favorite movies
• Singing the same song so often I grow to hate it
• Spending too much money
• Following recopies 100%
• Folding towels
• Following/keeping up with dumb things like YouTube Channels and Teen Mom (1,2,&3)
• Scaring/intimidating people
• Drinking (excluding Tequila)
• Remembering somewhat pointless things
• Being obsessed with TV shows
• Scrap booking (when I have ambition)
• Procrastinating
• Wooing authority figures
• Impressing adults
• Supporting myself
• Typing Chapter 7 Bankruptcy petitions
• Typing
• Playing w/dogs
• Getting cats to come to me
• Getting overly emotional about boys
• Asking others for help
• Being pitiful
• Organizing/storing tons of shit in a small space
• Ranting
• Talking very fast
• Making people feel uncomfortable
• Quoting things
• Playing a mother in theater productions
• Being very serious
• Being disapproving
• Judging people
• Wanting what I can't have
• Facebook stalking
• Tumbling (reblogging)
• Being jealous of other people's talents
• Buying movies
• Disappointing people

1.1.14 Titles of Things I'll Never Write R.D.

Wizards of Silver
Fallen Fight
Woman of Ice
Wizard of Voyage
Hidden Princess
The Each Dragon
Soaring in the Moon
The Everlasting Sleep
History is Also Personal, You Know?
Introduction to Paganism
Intro to Vegan-ism
Intro to Vegetarianism
How to be a Good Christian
Biography of _____________
The Real Story About My Dad
How My Parents Parented
Don't Be Like Your Crazy Mother
The Cure to Procrastination
How to Choose Your Tattoo
Pluto's Quest
Happily Ever After
How to be Cool
How to Impress Boys
Outgrowing Barbies:  A Guide Through Puberty

1.1.13 Poem R.D.

Every once in a while
When I least expect it
I catch a whiff
Of that $70 cologne you wore
All the time when we first met

And it reminds me
Of the first time you called me
And your mom was tipsy
And singing
And I couldn't wait to meet her.

And it reminds me
Of the first time
You surprised me
By being at my friend's house
When I went there after work

And it reminds me
Of the first time you bought me flowers
And laid rose petals on the floor

And it reminds me
Of your first Valentine's Day gift to me
A single rose
And a dinner of gnocchi

And it almost makes me miss you
And it almost makes me lonely
Until I remember
How lonely I was when we were together
And how backsliding
Wouldn't do me any god

Because I'd come home to
A messy apartment
And leftovers
And the electronics left on
And the laundry washed, dried, but not folded
And kids toys left about

So lonely by my own choice is better
Than expecting someone home at night
And the constant disappointment
When they say, "One more hour.
"One more.
"Seriously, just one more hour."
And then complain because
"You fell asleep with the TV on again
"So why do you complain about the electric bill?"

Being home alone at night
After days of having friends over
Feels alright
I'm trying to find my sweet spot
My happy medium
Between being alone and being lonely
And I think I've almost got it
Finally
And I don't miss you.

1.1 Titles of Things I'm Never Going to Write by Anna Rae

• The Ostrich
• The Tray Passer
• The Chair Meets the Wall
• Hell, Gravity!
• The Cell Phone Bandit
• Lucky Number 21
• Face Meet Floor
• Don't Call Me
• Loser Kid Series
• Behind Closed Closets
• Behind the Mask of a Random Kid
• Mary to Pam Saga
• Everything You Need to Know About History
• The Truth Behind the Infamous
• Revenge of the Fatty
• The Journey of a Fat Kid
• Poor to Rich: 1 Easy Step

1.1 Poems by Anna Rae

A windy night
A windy night
Fright fills the night air.

A joyous laugh
A joyous laugh
Rings in the night air.

Come sing with us,
Come dance with us,
We children of the night.

A masquerade
A masquerade
Hide your face for the night.

A windy night
A windy night
Enjoy the crisp and cool air.

Come sing with us,
Come dance with us
On this dark and lovely Halloween night.

1.1.12 Dream R.D.

I find it kind of frustrating how easily our dreams can change.  When I was a young kid in elementary school all I wanted was to be around animals.  I didn't care about the context.  My mom joked about me being a crazy cat lady/farm hand/vet.  Then later on the dream became to be a cop - any rank.  But eventually I dreamed of being detective.  The second highest rank in criminal justice.
"Why not captain?"
"Why be captain when you can be a detective?"
Then some told me how and why that was a terrible fit - and besides my mother hated it.  So I deterred myself to the paperwork:  court recorder, judge's secretary, paralegal.  Then the dream became just to be involved in criminal law.  All the excitement but none of the risk. Then I met a boy who had a child and suddenly all I wanted was to be a mom - which I had never factored into any of the previous options.  Being the best step-parent I could be became my driving force.  I even looked into the requirements to be a professional nanny.  Which ended up not falling into "dream job" category, even though I think I'd do well at it.  Now, though, I don't know what my dream is.  I don't stay up late at night thinking about things like that anymore.  I'm twenty years old and all I dream about is making due.  Don't step on any toes, and just keep quiet, and don't get overly ambitious.  I don't know how to fix it.  Even my dream of going to New York has lost it's gleam.  Unless it's handed to me.  I don't want to work towards something just to have the opportunity taken away from me.  I am so scared of losing my balance, or my grip, that I don't even really dream anymore - and that frightens me, it really, truly does.