1.1.12 Dream R.D.

I find it kind of frustrating how easily our dreams can change.  When I was a young kid in elementary school all I wanted was to be around animals.  I didn't care about the context.  My mom joked about me being a crazy cat lady/farm hand/vet.  Then later on the dream became to be a cop - any rank.  But eventually I dreamed of being detective.  The second highest rank in criminal justice.
"Why not captain?"
"Why be captain when you can be a detective?"
Then some told me how and why that was a terrible fit - and besides my mother hated it.  So I deterred myself to the paperwork:  court recorder, judge's secretary, paralegal.  Then the dream became just to be involved in criminal law.  All the excitement but none of the risk. Then I met a boy who had a child and suddenly all I wanted was to be a mom - which I had never factored into any of the previous options.  Being the best step-parent I could be became my driving force.  I even looked into the requirements to be a professional nanny.  Which ended up not falling into "dream job" category, even though I think I'd do well at it.  Now, though, I don't know what my dream is.  I don't stay up late at night thinking about things like that anymore.  I'm twenty years old and all I dream about is making due.  Don't step on any toes, and just keep quiet, and don't get overly ambitious.  I don't know how to fix it.  Even my dream of going to New York has lost it's gleam.  Unless it's handed to me.  I don't want to work towards something just to have the opportunity taken away from me.  I am so scared of losing my balance, or my grip, that I don't even really dream anymore - and that frightens me, it really, truly does.