1.1.5 A Letter I'll Never Write

12/25/13

JR and DO,

It’s been a year since my last letter to you. I don’t regret not speaking to either of you, and I wish that I thought about you less than I do. I wish sometimes that I had never experienced this entire relatioinship, including when I still loved you, J., and when you were one of my best friends, D. I often wish that I could extract you both completely from my mind.

D., after I found out that you’d been sleeping with my fiancé for the better part of a year, I saw red. I am happy and deeply in love, and it still makes me fiercely angry to think of my own obliviousness and your clear betrayal. Especially after all we’d been through.

J., I wanted to tell you that you are a child, ignorant, and clearly too blind to know when you have a good thing. I stopped loving you a long time ago. Before we ever decided to get married. Before we moved in together. I had convinced myself that I’d never get anyone who was really good to me, who really loved me, so I stayed with you when I shouldn’t have. I never told you, but when I was 16 you got me pregnant, and I lost the baby, and I hate you for being so irresponsible because you were almost 20 and you should have known better. That’s when I stopped loving you. The rest of the time was an experiment in power and control and manipulation, and using you to meet my sexual needs.

So fuck you both.

Victoria Ann

1.1.5 Rough Draft Letter R.D.

Dear Codependency,

Please, I beg of you, just stop.  Your need to be needed all the time is getting in the way of what you really want.  Your self-destructive habits (while not through self harm) are dangerous and enough is enough.  What happened to you?  When did you go from making your own decisions to making none?  Then again, I don't remember the last time you made a decision based on your own wants and desires.  Why is that?  Why did you do any of the things you've done?  Do you have any self respect at all?  Do you want the people you claim to love to respect you?  Or do you secretly like all the degrading?  Does it make you just depressed to find refuge in useless things and just angry enough to want to prove them wrong?  More the prior than the latter as far as I am concerned.  I remember the last time you were angered or inspired enough to do anything.  Why did you give up on yourself?  What rewards were you reaping that were so grand you allowed yourself to wear blinders for three fucking years?  Don't you remember how disorienting it was when you were a child and you put no the cart bridle for your horse and you had no peripheral vision?  Why would you accept that as a lifestyle?  You cart pony.  You pack mule.  Why do you flinch at the idea of human contact?  Why are you so anxiety ridden at the thought of taking care of business on our own.  It's your troubles that need to be dealt with after all, so who do you expect to hold your hand?  I mean honestly.  What happens when life happens and death strikes again and you don't have someone to turn to anymore/  You are not as pathetic as you try to make yourself out to be, so just stop.  Do better, try harder, and be the person you want to be - the person you started to  be back in 2010 before you let something as natural as death break you down.  Get over it, and get yourself together.  I won't be around forever to make you see your true potential.

-Independence

1.1 Rough Draft Letter by Anna Rae

Dear Future Me,

I know it seems silly for me to be writing you, but I know you're giddy on the inside to be getting this little letter. That's why I'm writing, because you need it.

I'm not sure where you are or what you're doing. I'm not even sure how many years have past. It doesn't matter, because I know you're trying your best. If you're not I'll kick your ass. I hope you found your place, because I'm longing for it now. I hope you found a job that isn't dealing with food anymore. Maybe you are a teacher or something that you love doing - like writing. I do hope you've continued to write, because not only do you love it, but you are good at it. Damn your pride and humbleness. You are good at it.

Anyways, I rather not say this, because it's totally cliche....but I shall...

I hope you are happy. I really hope you are not settling for second best. Living a life where you are not happy is no life at all. Be happy Carole.

<3Carole (2013)