1.1.5 Rough Draft Letter R.D.

Dear Codependency,

Please, I beg of you, just stop.  Your need to be needed all the time is getting in the way of what you really want.  Your self-destructive habits (while not through self harm) are dangerous and enough is enough.  What happened to you?  When did you go from making your own decisions to making none?  Then again, I don't remember the last time you made a decision based on your own wants and desires.  Why is that?  Why did you do any of the things you've done?  Do you have any self respect at all?  Do you want the people you claim to love to respect you?  Or do you secretly like all the degrading?  Does it make you just depressed to find refuge in useless things and just angry enough to want to prove them wrong?  More the prior than the latter as far as I am concerned.  I remember the last time you were angered or inspired enough to do anything.  Why did you give up on yourself?  What rewards were you reaping that were so grand you allowed yourself to wear blinders for three fucking years?  Don't you remember how disorienting it was when you were a child and you put no the cart bridle for your horse and you had no peripheral vision?  Why would you accept that as a lifestyle?  You cart pony.  You pack mule.  Why do you flinch at the idea of human contact?  Why are you so anxiety ridden at the thought of taking care of business on our own.  It's your troubles that need to be dealt with after all, so who do you expect to hold your hand?  I mean honestly.  What happens when life happens and death strikes again and you don't have someone to turn to anymore/  You are not as pathetic as you try to make yourself out to be, so just stop.  Do better, try harder, and be the person you want to be - the person you started to  be back in 2010 before you let something as natural as death break you down.  Get over it, and get yourself together.  I won't be around forever to make you see your true potential.

-Independence

1.1.1 Observation R.D.

I feel as though a lot of people in my life fail to observe the fact that I am not the same person I was in high school, or the same person I was when I met Branden, or even the same person I was last week.  I am constantly trying to do and be better and it is very upsetting when people fail to see and understand that.
I don't want to go out and hook up with random people.  I don't want to live my life for anyone else.  People get so up in arms about the fact that I have opinions and judgments on things, but that is my prerogative and everyone is entitled to their own feelings.  I'm tired of people expecting me to get mad about things, and treating me like I am stupid. I am tired of feeling guilty for not telling everyone everything, feeling guilty for what I choose to do and who I choose to have in my life.  I am sick of feeling like everyone expects me to fuck everything up all the time.  I'm tired of people expecting me to be, to do, to react certain ways.  I am NOT predictable and I DO NOT want anyone else to tell me who to be.  I know I have a lot of things I need to improve on, but constantly degrading me does not help anyone get what they want.  Additionally, I cant possibly please everyone so why do you even bother telling me what you expect from me.
On another note, I have observed a number of people being hypocrites and I HATE IT.  Saying you want to hang out, but making no effort.  Asking for honesty, but not being able to accept it. Maybe that's not all hypocrisy but it's annoying and I hate it.
I hate that I feel I don't have very many people I am completely comfortable around, and those who I feel I can't be honest with get pissed that I treat others "differently".  I feel like I am watching my life fall apart and I have no one to help me pick it back up.