1.6.6 The First Thing I Want In The Morning R.D.

The first thing I want in the morning is to roll over and go back to sleep.  Followed by food - but I know if I eat too soon after waking up, then I'll feel cruddy most of the day.  Then I usually want to pee - which usually intensifies the desire to eat.  Then, if food didn't wake me up, I usually think about going to get coffee, but I usually determine it isn't worth the time or the money.  Then I decide to check social media sites (not just Facebook), and there is usually a number of things waiting for me there.  And usually that takes a few hours out of my morning.  Then I sometimes want to watch a movie, or read a book, so I indulge myself and suddenly it's lunchtime!
This is on a weekend morning, of course.

On weekday mornings I am forcing myself out of bed, forcing myself into a bra, and rushing out the door.  Perhaps grabbing a drink (water or soda) on my way out of the door.  And in winter that also includes sitting in my freezing car letting it warm up before gunning it to work.  Then I sit at work and wish I'd made breakfast or coffee.  Then as soon as it is acceptable to, I am digging for dollars for the Snack Time display so I can put something in my stomach. I always regret this, and yet I do nothing to change it.
There must be a name for behavior like this...

1.6.5 She Got It Out Of The Car R.D.

She was running late, so she rushed inside, only to realize she had left her specialty sugared coffee in the car.  She needed it this morning, but upon entering the office she was immediately bombarded with tasks, questions, and phone calls.  So she put her purse in it's special hiding place (the third filing cabinet drawer), hung her keys on the random screw in the wall that had no other purpose, and settled into her chair.  She spun around to her desk (aka her stacks of papers, her un-read e-mails, the phone list, etc.)  The next time she looked at the clock it was damn near 11:30am, morning was almost over, but she had time to retrieve her coffee so she did.  It was cooled, but sugared coffee never tasted bad.  She swished the contents around by moving the cup in a circular motion with her hand.  The sweetness was welcome.  Not only would she be energized, but she could trick her body into not needing lunch for a few more hours.  She didn't have an eating disorder, she had a "lack of motivation to make lunch for work" disorder; so maybe saving the coffee was a good idea.  The mix of coffee, caramel, and chocolate was perfect and she forgot about the dollars she had handed across the barista that morning.  

She knew how overpriced her favorite coffee drink was, but on mornings like this, she couldn’t resist.  Besides she loved the feeling inside coffee shops.  Homey, warm, like you could easily fall into a good book, or into a conversation with a stranger, or fall in love.

She thought she had fallen in love when she was in a coffee shop once.  Back before life made her grow up a bit; when sneaking off to a coffee shop to meet someone was the highlight of her week (or her month).  On mornings like this, she couldn’t resist going into coffee shops to feel that way again.

1.6.4 In This Dream I Was... R.D.

In this dream I had, we made sense.  The rest of the people didn't see it, but we made the most of every moment we spent together, we smiled and laughed and the whole time people were saying "You can do so much better," but I didn't understand how they saw it that way.  And your dad always had the same disapproving look on his face whenever he saw us together, but we were so convinced we were going to prove a point.  Then we were engaged and we agreed on everything - a small ceremony and your favorite song and the colors we chose.  And we were so happy as we walked over the threshold to our new place.  And eventually the rest of the world fell away and it was just us, but we didn't notice much because we were just so damn happy together.
But then - as all dreams do - it was over, and I woke up.  And in the morning you said you didn't think we agreed on anything, and you said I was a great friend, and you told me not to fall in love with you.  And then you were gone and my bed was empty, and then days passed by and our communication limited and my stomach churned and I couldn't focus on a damn thing besides how much I miss you.  I don't know how this happened.  How this "new you" I met after a year of not knowing you changed how I felt so much.  And I don't know if/when I should tell you all of this because the timing always seems wrong.  Besides -

"...these words were never easier,

For me to say,

Or you to second guess..."

1.6.3 The House We Lived In R.D.

The house we lived in when I was a kid went through many changes - and I always thought that was really cool.  Some people move around a lot and have multiple homes growing up, but I got to have a house that grew with me.  Starting as a three bedroom, two bathroom modular home with a two-car garage.  Then adding a bedroom, that eventually turned into a storage space, and a pole barn and a horse barn and sheds and pools and pastures and gardens, until finally we had a four bedroom, three bathroom, with optional fifth bedroom home that hardly resembled the original structure.  I may have hated the work that went into it when I was a kid but I appreciate the outcome.  I could only hope that I would one day be as ambitious and talented as my parents.  They had everything they ever wanted either through hard work or building/making what they wanted.  I never appreciated the greatness of that as a kid, because that's just how things were in my house.  We didn't wait for other people to fix or change things, my parents were in constant motion and therefore our house, or life, was ever changing.  I remember writing about this in my college essay and my mom was so happy that she had provided me with such a fulfilling life that I so easily found something to write about and attribute to my flexibility and aptitude to change.  It's amazing the things you don't notice or don't pay attention to or appreciate when we are growing up - so preoccupied with ourselves and how we are doing/making it through the next day.  I am so grateful to my parents for giving me the stability of one childhood home.  Some may view that as a disadvantage (including myself sometimes) but overall I had a great childhood and I hope I am able to keep my childhood home in the family for many generations to come.  So I guess that also means I had better start learning about how to fix things in a house.

1.6.2 There Was Something About the Way He... R.D.

There was something about the way he greeted me like an old friend the first time he met me.
There was something about that tipsy smile that I couldn't get enough of.
I felt so privileged when he let me sneak sips of his wine cooler, making me feel cool cuz I was "drinking".
There was something about the smile he wore saying "you're just too damn cute".
There was something about the messages he sent online that made me feel so special.
And the day he came to see the silly little high school play to take photographs because I asked him to.
And then after words he let my friend play with his camera while he and I talked privately.
There was something about the glimmer in his eyes when I agreed to give him my phone number.
And then he called me to give me his, but I got confused and he laughed when I answered the call.
There was something about the way he greeted me the first time I went to his place;
He wrapped his arms around me before he ever closed the door and kissed me,
Then pulled away, just enough, and asked how I was.
There was something about the way his voice sounded on the telephone - deep and seductive, always wanting more than I could give due to the miles between us.
There was something about the way and the timing when he apologized for all the wrong he'd done towards me.
I almost fell for it, but...
There was something about his tendency to blow me off.
There was something about the way he liked to disappear.
I miss him sometimes, but I know ultimately I am better off.

1.6.1 This Journal Is... R.D.

This Journal is a great idea.  It feels great to be writing again - and even better because I am not putting deadlines on myself.  This is truly a healthy exercise for me - as much as walking or lifting weights.  This Journal helps put my mind at ease, and I actually take pride in what I am accomplishing every time I open up the Journal to write.  I am also proud of myself for forging through, even when there were prompts I wanted to skip (also kudos to Anna for telling me I wasn't allowed to).  This Journal makes me happy - even if I am writing about things I wouldn't normally be writing about.  This Journal is better than a diary because I get to put my feelings out there and I don't have to be worried or ashamed if someone gets their hands on it.  This Journal is also flashy, which is good in the sense that it is a beacon to remind me about the blog and the challenge (so kudos to Victoria for choosing it).  This Journal is an important part of my break up, because it gives me something to do when I am alone in the apartment - which is pretty often.  This Journal is a God send.  When I'm in a bad mood, it gives me something else to focus on and put my energy into.  This Journal may be falling apart by the time I finish this challenge - but I think that just means it served its purpose and was well loved.  This Journal is an excellent alternative to watching a shit ton of TV on Netflix.  This Journal is also a procrastination took for slow days at work (and for keeping me from calling about the warranty on my TV because of it's wonky sound).  This Journal is wonderful.

1.5 Music Response R.D.

Sun on Sunday - James Blunt

Thoughts while listening to the song for the first time:
Taking advantage of a weak woman and regretting the decision.  Falling in love but afraid to admit it.  Woman not expressing herself and guy not noticing.  Someone committing suicide because no one noticed the depression.  Taking the guilt and responsibility.  Now the girl wants to be left alone and the guy wants to fix or help her.

Responding to each verse individually:
1.  A girl is wounded emotionally and seeks refuge in an old friend who sees this is an opportunity to be intimate.  The girl gives in because she wants him around even though she was only seeking friendship.
2.  Guy realizes he went too far and wants to apologize but she won't hear it and he is begging for forgiveness and friendship back.
3.  Again talking about how he failed to see the real problem and reason she needed him and only realizes it once it's too late.
4.  (Same as 2)
5.  Realizes he's no better than the person who hurt her originally, but wants to prove to her that she is super important to him even if she never fully forgives him.
6.  (Same as 2 and 4)

1.3 Inspiration from Public Places R.D.

Charter Oaks

When I see the word Charter, I think of Charter Buses, the nice buses we used to take on long trips in school.  So Charter Oaks always makes me think of really nice and important trees.  Which I guess makes my apartment complex a nice place to live.

 

Lippincott

Lippincott always makes me think of my grandma, because there is a Lippincott Road near her house, and it is the most creatively named road on the way there.

 

Irish Road

I always wonder how many Irish people used to live on this road at one point for it to be named this.

 

Interstate 69

I always think something dirty.  I blame high school.

 

Saginaw Street

I always remember when my mom told me that roads that are named after cities are named that because if you follow it long enough it will take you to that city.  I have since learned this is not always true – so I always feel very untrusting of this road.

 

Church Street

I always think of the church I pass while on this road and it’s very strange crosses that – if you didn’t know it was a church – you wouldn’t realize these were crosses at all.

 

3^rd Street

Third street feels like my second home because I spend so much time here.  I feel it should be called 1^st street just for me!

 

Grand Traverse Ave

To Traverse is to travel.  So I always think of a Grand Travel when I think of this road.  Even though I know this road can take you to some sketchy parts of town, so it is not a travel I ever intend on taking.

1.2.9 Taking Apart Your List R.D.

Instructions:  Pick a word from one of your lists and write a paragraph about it.  Write a line for every other item on the list.

From:  What Is Inside My Body

Amnesty:  I chose to include amnesty in my list because I feel a lot of people give me pardon.  My mom gives me pardon because my dad died.  My boss gives me pardon because of how hardworking I am.  My friends give me pardon because I just got out of a bad three-year relationship.  While I may not feel such pardons are necessary, I can't deny how much I appreciate the, so I had to give them mention.

I carry many secrets inside of me because some people can't know, or can't handle, the truth.

I feel I often exude madness and no one has yet to tell me otherwise.

I suffer from many forms of anxiety.

I often experience nausea in the morning.

I have many theories on how to change and/or make the world a better place.

I hold onto hope that people are inherently good and things will get better.

While buried, I do hold hold ambition inside of me.

I carry the idea of death with me because I deal with the pain of having lost daily.

I have some abandonment issues.

I aim to break out of my shell and act recklessly sometimes.

I am ultimately a lazy person.

I hope the thing my friends love about me is my eccentricity.

Despite my maturity I know I am still pretty naive.

I value the importance of education.

I feel I have high levels of perception and am a good judge of character.

I am female, therefore I have embryos.

I do have a short temper sometimes.

I have endurance enough to power through when I need to.

I spend many hours in reverie.

I always carry a song in my mind, in my heart, and in my soul.

1.2.8 Things to Make Lists Of R.D.

• To Done list
• Chores list
• To Buy Eventually list
• I Want list
• Christmas Wish list
• Birthday Wish list
• Homework Assignments Due list
• When Tests Are list
• What to Name Your Baby list
• What Not to Name Your Baby list
• Books to Read list
• Movies to Watch list
• Songs to Listen to list
• Groceries list
• Little Black List of Experiences
• What's Playing at the Theater Now list
• Pro/Con Lists Regarding Life Choices
• Jobs to Apply For list
• Who to Send Christmas Cards to list
• People Who Have Died list
• Bucket list
• School Supplies list
• List of People to Contact as References
• What Classes You Are Going to Take Next Quarter list
• What to Buy Other People for Christmas/Birthday list
• Good Restaurants list
• Bad Restaurants list
• Who Matters Most to You list
• What Matters Most to You list
• Who You Dislike list
• Which Foods Are Bad For You list
• When Bills Are Due and How Much list
• List of Debts Owed
• What People Owe You list
• Books You Have Read list
• Places You've Been list
• Food You've Tried but Should Never Eat Again list
• Who do You See as Heroic list
• Who Inspires You list
• Lists of Quotes That Matter to You list
• Projects You Want to Start/Finish list
• Things You Want to Change/Improve list

1.1.7 What to Take on a Journey R.D.

• Food
• Water
• Cell phone
• Laptop
• Hat
• Sunscreen
• Bugspray
• Camera
• Notebooks
• Pens/pencils
• Tennis shoes
• Sandals
• Bathing suit
• Towels
• Jacket
• Winter coat
• Blanket
• Kindling
• Flint & steel
• Salt
• Soaps and shampoos
• Travel books
• Friend(s)
• Someone who knows how to drive a boat/plane
• Extra underwear
• Multiple outfits
• Hair ties
• Knives/swords
• Fishing equipment
• Backpack
• Fanny pack
• Walking stick
• Books (pleasure reading)
• Trail markers
• Compass / GPS system
• Water fliter
• Sunglasses
• Extra socks
• Flares
• Gun and bullets
• Food seeds for planting
• Extra phone batteries
• Plastic baggies
• Rope

1.1.6 What is Inside my Body R.D.

• Secrets
• Amnesty
• Madness
• Anxiety
• Nausea
• Theories
• Hope
• Ambition
• Death
• Abandonment
• Recklessness
• Laziness
• Eccentricity
• Naivete
• Education
• Perception
• Embryo(s)
• Temper
• Endurance
• Reverie
• Song

1.1.5 Things I Have Lost R.D.

• Keys
• Love / Lovers
• Friendship / Friends
• Ambition
• Pens
• Virginity
• Writings
• Inspiration
• My Father
• My Psuedo-Grandfather
• My Paternal Grandfather
• Sense of self
• Money
• Socks
• Silverware
• Tupperware / Tupperware Lids
• Cars
• Pets
• Relationship with my:  Sister, Uncle, Aunt, Grandma
• People's respect
• Toys from childhood
• Paperwork
• Bottles of soda
• Favorite restaurants (Wiseguy's Pizza & Chumley's Pizza)
• CDs and DVDs
• Books
• Board game pieces
• Child
• Remote Controllers (for TV / VCR / DVD)
• Strength (literal)
• Jewerly
• My Mind (at times)
• Goals
• Innocence / Naivete 
• Thoughts / Memories
• Spirituality
• Respect for Others
• Skills

1.2.4 Things I Have Forgotten R.D.

• How to make myself get up early
• How to have a morning routine
• How to dress well / how to buy clothes
• How to keep from taking naps
• The pride you get from hard work
• The cologne my dad used when we went out
• How to express my feelings
• How to be happy more often than not
• Things to do for fun
• Why I stopped being friends with some people
• Why I broke off certain relationships
• How to budget my money
• How to make a good phone call
• My first tweet
• The first person I subscribed to on YouTube
• Where my first sleepover was
• What my Uncle and I used to talk about
• How to weld
• How to use a tape measure (besides measuring inches)
• Why Goosebumps were so scary
• Why I loved horses so much
• The things we talked about until 2am

1.1.3 This Person Has Said to Me R.D.

• "You're a pretty tough girl."
• "Of course I'll wait for you."
• "I like when you call me 'Mister'."
• "I'm thinking about you, of course."
• "Is it time for your carriage to turn into a pumpkin?"
• "Who are you saying am I tonight?"
• "Take care."
• "We should meet for coffee."
• "You should come over."
• "We'll see how it goes."
• "I could be in a serious relationship with you."
• "I want to feel you."
• "I want you to grab onto me because you're scared, but you know I'll protect you."
• "I'll try to come see you."
• "I've been busy."

But, really, it was the things he didn't say.

1.1.2 Signs of Winter R.D.

• Cold nights
• Still water
• Leafless trees
• Scarves, boots
• Bright colored hair
• Snow, ice
• Christmas music, Christmas commercials
• End of the year sales
• Busy cities
• Empty streets at night
• Road rage, cautious driving
• Car accidents
• High energy bills
• Salt trucks, salt plows
• Empty fields
• Quiet houses
• Snow shovels against houses
• Big blankets on couches
• Lit fireplaces
• Stressed people
• Salvation Army bell ringers
• Snowmen, snow piles
• Snow days
• Groups of people on tops of hills
• Frost on cars
• People sitting in their cars waiting for heat
• UPS trucks, UPS packages
• Lost mittens

1.2.1 List of Things I am an Expert In R.D.

• Convincing others to not do important things
• Half-assing a job
• Playing The Sims
• Memorizing lines from favorite movies
• Singing the same song so often I grow to hate it
• Spending too much money
• Following recopies 100%
• Folding towels
• Following/keeping up with dumb things like YouTube Channels and Teen Mom (1,2,&3)
• Scaring/intimidating people
• Drinking (excluding Tequila)
• Remembering somewhat pointless things
• Being obsessed with TV shows
• Scrap booking (when I have ambition)
• Procrastinating
• Wooing authority figures
• Impressing adults
• Supporting myself
• Typing Chapter 7 Bankruptcy petitions
• Typing
• Playing w/dogs
• Getting cats to come to me
• Getting overly emotional about boys
• Asking others for help
• Being pitiful
• Organizing/storing tons of shit in a small space
• Ranting
• Talking very fast
• Making people feel uncomfortable
• Quoting things
• Playing a mother in theater productions
• Being very serious
• Being disapproving
• Judging people
• Wanting what I can't have
• Facebook stalking
• Tumbling (reblogging)
• Being jealous of other people's talents
• Buying movies
• Disappointing people

1.1.14 Titles of Things I'll Never Write R.D.

Wizards of Silver
Fallen Fight
Woman of Ice
Wizard of Voyage
Hidden Princess
The Each Dragon
Soaring in the Moon
The Everlasting Sleep
History is Also Personal, You Know?
Introduction to Paganism
Intro to Vegan-ism
Intro to Vegetarianism
How to be a Good Christian
Biography of _____________
The Real Story About My Dad
How My Parents Parented
Don't Be Like Your Crazy Mother
The Cure to Procrastination
How to Choose Your Tattoo
Pluto's Quest
Happily Ever After
How to be Cool
How to Impress Boys
Outgrowing Barbies:  A Guide Through Puberty

1.1.13 Poem R.D.

Every once in a while
When I least expect it
I catch a whiff
Of that $70 cologne you wore
All the time when we first met

And it reminds me
Of the first time you called me
And your mom was tipsy
And singing
And I couldn't wait to meet her.

And it reminds me
Of the first time
You surprised me
By being at my friend's house
When I went there after work

And it reminds me
Of the first time you bought me flowers
And laid rose petals on the floor

And it reminds me
Of your first Valentine's Day gift to me
A single rose
And a dinner of gnocchi

And it almost makes me miss you
And it almost makes me lonely
Until I remember
How lonely I was when we were together
And how backsliding
Wouldn't do me any god

Because I'd come home to
A messy apartment
And leftovers
And the electronics left on
And the laundry washed, dried, but not folded
And kids toys left about

So lonely by my own choice is better
Than expecting someone home at night
And the constant disappointment
When they say, "One more hour.
"One more.
"Seriously, just one more hour."
And then complain because
"You fell asleep with the TV on again
"So why do you complain about the electric bill?"

Being home alone at night
After days of having friends over
Feels alright
I'm trying to find my sweet spot
My happy medium
Between being alone and being lonely
And I think I've almost got it
Finally
And I don't miss you.

1.1.12 Dream R.D.

I find it kind of frustrating how easily our dreams can change.  When I was a young kid in elementary school all I wanted was to be around animals.  I didn't care about the context.  My mom joked about me being a crazy cat lady/farm hand/vet.  Then later on the dream became to be a cop - any rank.  But eventually I dreamed of being detective.  The second highest rank in criminal justice.
"Why not captain?"
"Why be captain when you can be a detective?"
Then some told me how and why that was a terrible fit - and besides my mother hated it.  So I deterred myself to the paperwork:  court recorder, judge's secretary, paralegal.  Then the dream became just to be involved in criminal law.  All the excitement but none of the risk. Then I met a boy who had a child and suddenly all I wanted was to be a mom - which I had never factored into any of the previous options.  Being the best step-parent I could be became my driving force.  I even looked into the requirements to be a professional nanny.  Which ended up not falling into "dream job" category, even though I think I'd do well at it.  Now, though, I don't know what my dream is.  I don't stay up late at night thinking about things like that anymore.  I'm twenty years old and all I dream about is making due.  Don't step on any toes, and just keep quiet, and don't get overly ambitious.  I don't know how to fix it.  Even my dream of going to New York has lost it's gleam.  Unless it's handed to me.  I don't want to work towards something just to have the opportunity taken away from me.  I am so scared of losing my balance, or my grip, that I don't even really dream anymore - and that frightens me, it really, truly does.