1.1.9 A Piece of My Mind R.D.

I feel I am beating a dead horse, but I am sick and tired of people - men - pretty much only talking to me because they want to have sex.  I mean, is it so uncommon to want to be with someone for something more?  And to be everything your partner wants you to be without having the ulterior motive of fucking?  I want to have a conversation without sex or fetishes being brought up.
"You were the best I ever had."
"I miss our phone sex conversations."
"I want to spend the night with you and see what happens."
NO!  Fuck you!  If you aren't interested in watching a movie with me and maybe just falling asleep then STEP OFF!  If you can't let go because I let you make me feel so guilty for not wanting sex, so guilty I just gave in because I felt obligated; if you just miss the obligation sex then just GO TO HELL!  I am seriously SO OVER IT!  I may not be the most confident person in the world, but I know myself better now and I am interesting and intellectual and I do not OWE you my body because you chose to talk to me.  If you're willing to honestly be more to me than just a penis, then you are much more likely to get a taste of my sexual desires.  But if that is your only goal, and you don't even feel the need to hide that fact, then you obviously have no respect for me and I DO NOT NEED YOU in my life.
I used to think having sex was the only way to get people to like you, but I don't believe that anymore.  And anyone who buys into that philosophy can take the next exit because I don't need that kind of poison running through my veins.  I am over hating myself and changing myself.  And if that means I live alone or with friends or with an abundance of animals than so be it.  There are worse fates than that.
Someday I will find someone who finds my tendency to be obsessed with unimportant things like TV to be cute, instead of annoying.  Or maybe I won't, and I'll be alone, and that'll be okay, too.  Cuz who could ever be more tolerant of my bad habits than me?  And besides, there are many more people out there who have spent their lives being much more selfless than I ever was, so they deserve that Happily Ever After ending that much more.

1.1.1 Observation R.D.

I feel as though a lot of people in my life fail to observe the fact that I am not the same person I was in high school, or the same person I was when I met Branden, or even the same person I was last week.  I am constantly trying to do and be better and it is very upsetting when people fail to see and understand that.
I don't want to go out and hook up with random people.  I don't want to live my life for anyone else.  People get so up in arms about the fact that I have opinions and judgments on things, but that is my prerogative and everyone is entitled to their own feelings.  I'm tired of people expecting me to get mad about things, and treating me like I am stupid. I am tired of feeling guilty for not telling everyone everything, feeling guilty for what I choose to do and who I choose to have in my life.  I am sick of feeling like everyone expects me to fuck everything up all the time.  I'm tired of people expecting me to be, to do, to react certain ways.  I am NOT predictable and I DO NOT want anyone else to tell me who to be.  I know I have a lot of things I need to improve on, but constantly degrading me does not help anyone get what they want.  Additionally, I cant possibly please everyone so why do you even bother telling me what you expect from me.
On another note, I have observed a number of people being hypocrites and I HATE IT.  Saying you want to hang out, but making no effort.  Asking for honesty, but not being able to accept it. Maybe that's not all hypocrisy but it's annoying and I hate it.
I hate that I feel I don't have very many people I am completely comfortable around, and those who I feel I can't be honest with get pissed that I treat others "differently".  I feel like I am watching my life fall apart and I have no one to help me pick it back up.