1.1 Dream by Anna Rae

I dream of happiness.
I dream of joy departed.
I dream of sadness.
I dream of rain.
I dream of sunshine.
I dream of those I hate.
I dream of those I love.
I dream of those who love me.
I dream of lost loved ones.
I dream of the hospital.
I dream of the pain.
I dream of the hurt.
I dream of the meanness.
I dream of hope.
I dream of the future.
I dream of the past.
I dreams of my present.
I dream many dreams departed.
I dream in color.
I dream of despair.
I dream of birth.
I dream of crowns.
I dream of blood.
I dream
I dream
What good is a dream?
What do they accomplish?
They are wicked -
Destroious
Ridiculous
Embroils
Anguish
Melancholy
A dream can good
Or so they say -
Driving force
Remembrance
Embosoms
Achievements
Merriment
For which side you choose
Always dream.
For to dream is a gift.
To dream makes on worthy
of being called a dreamer
To dream
To dream
To dream
To dream

1.1 Fantasy Conversation by Anna Rae

"Hello?" I would answer the phone. Slightly annoyed as I see who is calling. However, I am excited deep in my hearts of hearts.

My dad's very Californian accent would reply, "Hey, hon." However, his normal carefree sound to his voice would be replaced by a sound more sad, so I would ask what's wrong. There would be silence on his end for a while and I would ask if he's still there. He would say he was. However, the silence would continue for a while.

"Dad?" I would sound worried.

"I need to talk to you." He would say.

"Alright."

"I need you not to say anything, because this is hard for me, ya know?"

"Okay...I'm listening."

There would be a huge intake of air and a couple noises of clearing the throat. "Okay," He would begin, "First off...I want to let you know I love you. I always have. You are my baby girl. My princess. I know I've been a rotten person and father these last 21 years. I-I'm sorry."

"Dad-" I go to say something, thinking he's done.

"NO...just listen...please." He cuts me off.

"Okay..."

Again he inhales, then he would continue, "In a way I'm glad your mom found Mark. You deserve a great father like him. I was not. But I'm glad you had him. I'll admit I'm jealous, because I have no right to want to dance with you at your wedding or walk you down that aisle. I gave up that the moment I signed my name and I legally lost you. I regret it now. At the time I wanted the best for you and giving you to Mark was and is the best. He raised you right.
             
I'm so sorry for everything I did and didn't do. There are no excuses I have to give you. I should have been a real man and go after my wife. I should have fought for my family...but I was weak. Yes, I love Rhonda with all my heart, but she'll never take the place of your mom or you.

I regret ever wishing you were a boy. I love my little girl, but I didn't deserve you. I truly and utterly screwed up. I know that no matter the words I say it will not make the past go away. I know I hurt you and your mom. i know of all the hate and resentment you have for me. God...I wish I could take all the pain away. I do. I really do.

I should've visited you when you were in the hospital, I should came to all your birthdays, and had you come to me for the occasional holiday. I failed you. I did and it kills me inside. I don't deserve your forgiveness, hon, but I just wanted to let you know I love you and I'm sorry. I really, truly am."

The phone would then say that the call is ended and I would be left holding my phone to my ear. My cheeks would be stained with tears and my mouth left agape and quivering. After a while, i would call him back and tell him I forgave him and loved him too.

However, no such conversation would ever occur. Even if I were to become engaged and invited him to the wedding. Who knows, though? Maybe a huge event like that may open his eyes and heart. Especially with the knowledge that Mark will be walking me down the aisle...not him. Who knows? Sometimes a fantasy may come true.

1.1 Rough Draft Letter by Anna Rae

Dear Future Me,

I know it seems silly for me to be writing you, but I know you're giddy on the inside to be getting this little letter. That's why I'm writing, because you need it.

I'm not sure where you are or what you're doing. I'm not even sure how many years have past. It doesn't matter, because I know you're trying your best. If you're not I'll kick your ass. I hope you found your place, because I'm longing for it now. I hope you found a job that isn't dealing with food anymore. Maybe you are a teacher or something that you love doing - like writing. I do hope you've continued to write, because not only do you love it, but you are good at it. Damn your pride and humbleness. You are good at it.

Anyways, I rather not say this, because it's totally cliche....but I shall...

I hope you are happy. I really hope you are not settling for second best. Living a life where you are not happy is no life at all. Be happy Carole.

<3Carole (2013)