The first thing I want in the morning is to roll over and go back to sleep. Followed by food - but I know if I eat too soon after waking up, then I'll feel cruddy most of the day. Then I usually want to pee - which usually intensifies the desire to eat. Then, if food didn't wake me up, I usually think about going to get coffee, but I usually determine it isn't worth the time or the money. Then I decide to check social media sites (not just Facebook), and there is usually a number of things waiting for me there. And usually that takes a few hours out of my morning. Then I sometimes want to watch a movie, or read a book, so I indulge myself and suddenly it's lunchtime!
This is on a weekend morning, of course.
On weekday mornings I am forcing myself out of bed, forcing myself into a bra, and rushing out the door. Perhaps grabbing a drink (water or soda) on my way out of the door. And in winter that also includes sitting in my freezing car letting it warm up before gunning it to work. Then I sit at work and wish I'd made breakfast or coffee. Then as soon as it is acceptable to, I am digging for dollars for the Snack Time display so I can put something in my stomach. I always regret this, and yet I do nothing to change it.
There must be a name for behavior like this...
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
1.6.5 She Got It Out Of The Car R.D.
She was running late, so she rushed inside, only to realize she had left her specialty sugared coffee in the car. She needed it this morning, but upon entering the office she was immediately bombarded with tasks, questions, and phone calls. So she put her purse in it's special hiding place (the third filing cabinet drawer), hung her keys on the random screw in the wall that had no other purpose, and settled into her chair. She spun around to her desk (aka her stacks of papers, her un-read e-mails, the phone list, etc.) The next time she looked at the clock it was damn near 11:30am, morning was almost over, but she had time to retrieve her coffee so she did. It was cooled, but sugared coffee never tasted bad. She swished the contents around by moving the cup in a circular motion with her hand. The sweetness was welcome. Not only would she be energized, but she could trick her body into not needing lunch for a few more hours. She didn't have an eating disorder, she had a "lack of motivation to make lunch for work" disorder; so maybe saving the coffee was a good idea. The mix of coffee, caramel, and chocolate was perfect and she forgot about the dollars she had handed across the barista that morning.
She knew how overpriced her favorite coffee drink was, but on mornings like this, she couldn’t resist. Besides she loved the feeling inside coffee shops. Homey, warm, like you could easily fall into a good book, or into a conversation with a stranger, or fall in love.
She knew how overpriced her favorite coffee drink was, but on mornings like this, she couldn’t resist. Besides she loved the feeling inside coffee shops. Homey, warm, like you could easily fall into a good book, or into a conversation with a stranger, or fall in love.
She thought she had fallen in love when she was in a coffee shop once. Back before life made her grow up a bit; when sneaking off to a coffee shop to meet someone was the highlight of her week (or her month). On mornings like this, she couldn’t resist going into coffee shops to feel that way again.
Monday, November 25, 2013
1.6.4 In This Dream I Was... R.D.
In this dream I had, we made sense. The rest of the people didn't see it, but we made the most of every moment we spent together, we smiled and laughed and the whole time people were saying "You can do so much better," but I didn't understand how they saw it that way. And your dad always had the same disapproving look on his face whenever he saw us together, but we were so convinced we were going to prove a point. Then we were engaged and we agreed on everything - a small ceremony and your favorite song and the colors we chose. And we were so happy as we walked over the threshold to our new place. And eventually the rest of the world fell away and it was just us, but we didn't notice much because we were just so damn happy together.
But then - as all dreams do - it was over, and I woke up. And in the morning you said you didn't think we agreed on anything, and you said I was a great friend, and you told me not to fall in love with you. And then you were gone and my bed was empty, and then days passed by and our communication limited and my stomach churned and I couldn't focus on a damn thing besides how much I miss you. I don't know how this happened. How this "new you" I met after a year of not knowing you changed how I felt so much. And I don't know if/when I should tell you all of this because the timing always seems wrong. Besides -
But then - as all dreams do - it was over, and I woke up. And in the morning you said you didn't think we agreed on anything, and you said I was a great friend, and you told me not to fall in love with you. And then you were gone and my bed was empty, and then days passed by and our communication limited and my stomach churned and I couldn't focus on a damn thing besides how much I miss you. I don't know how this happened. How this "new you" I met after a year of not knowing you changed how I felt so much. And I don't know if/when I should tell you all of this because the timing always seems wrong. Besides -
"...these words were never easier,
For me to say,
Or you to second guess..."
Monday, November 11, 2013
1.5 Song Lyrics
For this I picked on of my favorite songs of all time, but one of my favorite bands of all time. It just popped on randomly on my mp3 player when I began on this entry, so it must be fate.
Song - "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers
A great intro beat. You can just feel what this song is going to be about. I just can't help, but imagine the movie Moulin Rouge. I think the band made a nod to this.
Loving someone who shouldn't be loved, but you can't help but love them, because 1) he/she belongs to another and 2) It's bound to fail. However, you bound to love them...it's fate. Perhaps another reason you can't love, is because you were just released from another relationship or situation. It may be clouding you in your judgement, but you think your fine, but maybe you are. Who knows? Back to the love. This person love you too, but life is in the way. You both know this can't be and jealousy is driving you slightly mad. There are lies, deceit, love, jealousy, but you try to remain positive. Maybe she/he will leave their situation or you'll come to your senses and leave. The latter is doubtful and you the chances is highly unlikely. In which you are stuck in a cage of your own making.
Song - "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers
A great intro beat. You can just feel what this song is going to be about. I just can't help, but imagine the movie Moulin Rouge. I think the band made a nod to this.
Loving someone who shouldn't be loved, but you can't help but love them, because 1) he/she belongs to another and 2) It's bound to fail. However, you bound to love them...it's fate. Perhaps another reason you can't love, is because you were just released from another relationship or situation. It may be clouding you in your judgement, but you think your fine, but maybe you are. Who knows? Back to the love. This person love you too, but life is in the way. You both know this can't be and jealousy is driving you slightly mad. There are lies, deceit, love, jealousy, but you try to remain positive. Maybe she/he will leave their situation or you'll come to your senses and leave. The latter is doubtful and you the chances is highly unlikely. In which you are stuck in a cage of your own making.
1.3 Public Places & Proper Names by Anna Rae
Davison Rd
It's slightly odd Davison owns a Davison Rd. Normally cities have only other city named roads. Maybe Davison's creator was arrogant and super proud, so he deemed they needed a Davison Rd.
VG: Food Market & Pharmacy
For some reason when I say, "VG" out-loud, I can't but imagine a vegan. I always cringe though, because I then think about all the animals I kill for my meals.
Starbucks Coffee
I instantly think of the logo and the lady on it. I don't quite understand it. I think and think, but it makes no sense how it relates to the products or name. I wish I had more money to go there more often, but it's an expensive version of Tim Hortons.
ELGA Credit Union
I always think of Kaitlyn, my friend of a million years. She works at a Credit Union bank. I would love to work at a bank or a job like that. However, they don't offer a lot of money or hours
Davison Family Barber Shop
Old men go to Barber shops. How can this be a "family". Well, the old men probably take the younger boys to raise them to go to barber shops in the future.
Blue Rhino
I wish rhinoes were blue. Where did they come up with this? I can see the blue, because the product is blue, but where did they rhino come up? I remember thinking, in my youth, that this was a curse or whatever that would turn a human or other creature into a blue rhino. Ah, innocence and imagination.
Sonic
I always think of the two weeks I spent in Oklahoma for my cousin Jenny's wedding. It was a lot of fun. My Aunt and I always went to Sonic for Happy Hour; we'd both get large cherry Limades. Yummah.
Doogies
Dogs. Whenever someone says or I read this name, dog. I then remember my old dog Moe. He was my best friend for years even though he was an idiot. I miss him and having my own dog. My parents have 2 dogs, but they are my moms. Maybe one day boyfriend and I will get a dog.
Liquer Tobacco Outlet
Goodness do I miss smoking. I gave it up over a year ago. Once in a while I sneak one with one of my friends (espeically when drinking), but I am not a smoker anymore. Its a good thing. I save my lungs and money. However, I miss it.
Muffler Man
Don't ask me why, but since I was a wee thing I always think of muffins when this place is seen or mentioned. Its odd. Then I get a hankering for muffins. Good thing I ignore this feeling, because I go to Muffler Man and the sticker is on my front window.
AMP Energy Drink
I always envision an amplifier. Which then makes me think of a rock band. Which then reminds me of the time my Dad was in a band. The mind is a funny thing.
John's Pizzeria
Every time I pass this, I think or say out-loud, "I want to go there." However, Boyfriend always reminds me that it is expensive. One of the times after this scenario, he went on to tell me of this pizza he ate in Chicago. Now, my mind goes to Chicago pizza. Yum.
Allure: Salon Spa
I really should take better care of my skin and soul. I do alright, but I could be better. Maybe I should do my makeup and hair more often. Meh, too lazy sometimes.
Gale Road
Just the name makes one think of my mom's ex-friend, which then I remember her daughter. Whenever, I think of that ex-friend I recall dancing in the street with those sparkler things on the 4th of July.
It's slightly odd Davison owns a Davison Rd. Normally cities have only other city named roads. Maybe Davison's creator was arrogant and super proud, so he deemed they needed a Davison Rd.
VG: Food Market & Pharmacy
For some reason when I say, "VG" out-loud, I can't but imagine a vegan. I always cringe though, because I then think about all the animals I kill for my meals.
Starbucks Coffee
I instantly think of the logo and the lady on it. I don't quite understand it. I think and think, but it makes no sense how it relates to the products or name. I wish I had more money to go there more often, but it's an expensive version of Tim Hortons.
ELGA Credit Union
I always think of Kaitlyn, my friend of a million years. She works at a Credit Union bank. I would love to work at a bank or a job like that. However, they don't offer a lot of money or hours
Davison Family Barber Shop
Old men go to Barber shops. How can this be a "family". Well, the old men probably take the younger boys to raise them to go to barber shops in the future.
Blue Rhino
I wish rhinoes were blue. Where did they come up with this? I can see the blue, because the product is blue, but where did they rhino come up? I remember thinking, in my youth, that this was a curse or whatever that would turn a human or other creature into a blue rhino. Ah, innocence and imagination.
Sonic
I always think of the two weeks I spent in Oklahoma for my cousin Jenny's wedding. It was a lot of fun. My Aunt and I always went to Sonic for Happy Hour; we'd both get large cherry Limades. Yummah.
Doogies
Dogs. Whenever someone says or I read this name, dog. I then remember my old dog Moe. He was my best friend for years even though he was an idiot. I miss him and having my own dog. My parents have 2 dogs, but they are my moms. Maybe one day boyfriend and I will get a dog.
Liquer Tobacco Outlet
Goodness do I miss smoking. I gave it up over a year ago. Once in a while I sneak one with one of my friends (espeically when drinking), but I am not a smoker anymore. Its a good thing. I save my lungs and money. However, I miss it.
Muffler Man
Don't ask me why, but since I was a wee thing I always think of muffins when this place is seen or mentioned. Its odd. Then I get a hankering for muffins. Good thing I ignore this feeling, because I go to Muffler Man and the sticker is on my front window.
AMP Energy Drink
I always envision an amplifier. Which then makes me think of a rock band. Which then reminds me of the time my Dad was in a band. The mind is a funny thing.
John's Pizzeria
Every time I pass this, I think or say out-loud, "I want to go there." However, Boyfriend always reminds me that it is expensive. One of the times after this scenario, he went on to tell me of this pizza he ate in Chicago. Now, my mind goes to Chicago pizza. Yum.
Allure: Salon Spa
I really should take better care of my skin and soul. I do alright, but I could be better. Maybe I should do my makeup and hair more often. Meh, too lazy sometimes.
Gale Road
Just the name makes one think of my mom's ex-friend, which then I remember her daughter. Whenever, I think of that ex-friend I recall dancing in the street with those sparkler things on the 4th of July.
1.2 Taking Apart Your List by Anna Rae
From "What's Inside My Body":
- Cautiousness
- Anger
- Regret
- Ovaries
- Love
- Eagerness
- Resentment
- Ambition
- Excitement
- Self-hatred
- Zeal for bettering myself
- Yesterdays pains
- Memories
- A rational mind
- Negativity
- Self-control
- Kindness
- Imagination
Paragraph
Yesterday's pain is in my body. I had a really tough childhood and I carry the scars from those pains. I was abandoned by my biological father, who was suppose to love me forever. I grew up a couple steps above poverty, thanks to my Grandpa for taking us in. When I was in 5th grade, I was in the hospital for nearly 2 months and due to that battle, I gained ten scars, which would cause others to label me as a "freak". I soon became a nobody and I turned to food for comfort. Due to this, I gained weight and the bullying was worse. Things did get better by Freshmen year of High School. However, I still bare the scars of yesterday's pains.
Sentences
-I'm very cautious about everything in life; I will rarely take a risk.
-I may seem bubbly and happy, but I have an angry side of me.
-Regrets are always on my mid; I wish the time machine existed.
-I have ovaries, which I wish I can use one day.
-Though I'm angry, I have a deep rooted love for those that deserve it.
-I have an eagerness to learn and expand my horizons.
-I have a deep rooted resentment who abuse my love and trust.
-Ambition is in my soul; I want to climb to the top.
-I have a tendency to be very excitable.
-My self-hatred haunts me, because I feel I am not good enough.
-There is a small zeal for wanting to better myself and become that person I imagine myself to be.
-Memories are either haunting me or putting a small smile on my face.
-Overall, my mind is rational; emotions rarely take over.
-The glass is half-empty, says my negativity.
-I was bred to have self-control and never lose my cool; except for cookies.
-It may be faked and forced or utterly genuine, but I am kind.
-I have always had an imagination that swims in my mind; I should become a writer.
1.4 Quotes by Anna Rae
Very funny, but after moving I gathered all my writings and etc into two boxes (which I needed two for there were a lot) and bought them to my apartment. In the mist of this I found a sheet of paper with 7 random quotes on it. It was dated 1/25/2009/ Great timing for this entry. I'll pick my 5 favorites:
1) "Secrets are made to be found out by time." - Charles Sanford
It's such a true oxymoron. All secrets in a way, will be found out. It could be days, months, or even generations later. Time has a way of eroding the tongue of secrets.
2) "Bitterness imprisons life; love releases it." - Harry Emerson
One of the best ways to put it. Bitterness is the prison bars, while love is the key to release life. I just love it.
3) "The one who loves you will make you weep." - Argentine Proverb
I just love how you can look at this two ways due to the word "weep" they use. It can be of joy or sorrow. Hell, perhaps both.
4) "There would be no passion in this world if we never had to fight for what we love." - Susie Switzer
I just love how this is worded. Passion and love can be put on anything. Power, a person, an idea, and etc. This is a fun quote to maul over.
5) "There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that less than the one you are capable of living." - Nelson Mandela
Firstly, I just love the way he states the old saying, "Don't settle in life." It's so poetic sounding. I've always tried to not settle, though it is tempting, but this is so motivating too.
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